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I’ve been distancing myself from people lately. Not because I hate them or because they hate me. But because lately I really just need to be alone.
I try to do something good and it always turns around and gives me something bad and change my mood from happy to sad. Life doesn’t like me..
My mom tricked me into seeing my dad yesterday when I went to pick up my little niece. He saw me and waved I didn’t do the same I ignored him. I told myself and to everyone that I’m dead to him when that accident happened. He never helped his family one bit, but his friends ask him to borrow $10,000 he immediately let’s them borrow it. I’m your own blood kid and for me to ask you for a little help anything, it didn’t have to be a lot even $100 or $200 would have been fine but you turned your back and told me you can’t help me. So continue to think that when I got in that accident I died because you weren’t the father you were supposed to be.
I hate that I know my lung is collapsing again but i cant do anything at the moment about it..
if one is doing more for the other and not getting it reciprocated how are we truly brothers? yeah I’m the older one but at least have the heart to think of me some times. For all the things I do for you. all i’m asking for is for you to be thoughtful at times.
I’m done .. once I get this payment.. I’m not paying for shit for you. You have money you can pay for your own shit. If you can pay for random shit .. you don’t need my kind offers of paying for you. I should have just agreed to you staying home every time you say you’re broke but every time I hear you say that I just want to take you out and let you forget about those problems and have fun. Is it too much to ask for? for kindness in return?
I’m going to rant a bit because i’m a little intoxicated. I can still think straight and all but the fact that so much is going through my mind right now I just want to take some out right now. Look you’re my cousin. I call you as my little bro because we’ve been so close. I pay for things for us out of my own generosity not because I’m trying to show that I have money. You work more than me, you’re working full time and I’m sitting here with minimum wage part time but I can still manage to pay for dinner and drinks for the both of us because I want to invite you out as brothers. You clearly make more money than me yet you can’t pay for at least half of our outings? You on the other hand borrow money or ask me to pay for things & take forever to pay back. I don’t mind waiting but if you tell me you’re sorry that it’s taking awhile for you to pay me back because of other things like rent and car payments. That I’m fine with. But if you’re spending money on other shit that’s unnecessary I say give me that money now and make a payment towards the amount you owe me. I didn’t want to ask in front of our friend who came to visit because she came down here for you. I don’t care, I gave you guys your alone time because I didn’t want to interfere with shit. But you saying you got my money this week I agreed and waited a few days after and asked and now you’re telling me you’ll have it the next friday? dafuq? you get paid every week bro. This amount you owe me doesn’t even compare to the amount that I’ve paid for other shit for you out of my own will because I’m kind enough to take you out and catch up with old friends. But whatever.. I’m not saying you’re cheap but damn at least OFFER to pay at least half .. I don’t mind paying the full amount but the thought of even offering dude… stop cheaping out on me.
My mom asked me today;
"if your dad came back and asked you to help him with money, or talk to you would you?" I replied to her "No." she asked why and my response was "if he came to talk to me and called me his son I’d tell him his son died a long time ago in a car accident. The day I cried to him for help he refused and told me he can’t and won’t do anything. If he calls me his son i’d simply tell him sorry you must have mistaken me for some body else. Just think of it like this the day I got in that car accident your son died because you didn’t want to help him." My mom sat there quiet but agreed. She repeated what I said & looked sad but happy at the same time for what I said. I told her "Mom, just like you told me before, we don’t need him. we’ll prove to him that we don’t need his money or anything he tries to offer us. We’re much better off without him."
i need someone to breathe for me and keep me alive.
this feeling is coming back and there is no way I’m going back to the hospital. not now. it’s on and off so doctors wont be able to do anything unless it gets worst enough to the point where it hasn’t healed on its own.. until then i just have to fight through it when it comes .
Whether I die young or old, I just want people to remember me for the way I always put others first, including going out of my way to drive friends home from parties as the designated driver or if something urgent has come up. I don’t care how far you live or how late it is, as long as the ones I love are safe. I don’t ask or anything in return but a smile on everyone’s face.